Return to Blethers
Return to Of Things
Scottish
Sometimes we get too serious about our own research. Maybe this will give you a smile and brighten your day.
We were working on our family tree when our visitors arrived.
"On my mother's side," I explained, "we're tracing the McNEILLS, Scots, who came to Carolina in the 1700's."
"Fascinating," said the visitor. "I have Scots in my family, too, the McBEANS. They dropped the 'Mc" and were just known as the BEANS.'
"How interesting," I said,
"From Scotland," he said, sipping a Scotch, "the BEANS migrated all over the world and became quite famous."
"Well," I said, somewhat miffed, 'the McNEILLS were pretty hot stuff. There was..."
"I recollect," he interrupted, "hearing about an ancestor who fled to Peru after being persecuted by the British. Family's still there. The LIMA BEANS."
"Fascinating," I said, "but the McNEILLS..."
"Then there was JOHN PAUL BEAN, who commanded a frigate in the war of 1812. His male descendants have all been Annapolis graduates. A patriotic bunch, those NAVY BEANS."
"Now listen here," I protested.
"There was McTAVISH BEAN," he persisted, "a mercenary for a Polish Count in 1774. Stayed in Warsaw and started a line that exists to this day. Perhaps you've heard of them: The POLE BEANS."
"Then, of course," he went on, "there was the German branch, industrialists, famed for their elegant automobiles, the MERCEDES BEANS."
"I don't believe this," I said.
"You just don't know BEANS," he said. "Lady FLORA DORA BEAN is immortalized in Madame Toussaud's London Wax Museum. She's known as the WAX BEAN. Great Uncle Amos settled in Mexico, where he perfected chili con carne. But he hated the Mexican heat and moved his family to icy Alaska. We call them...."
"The CHILLY BEANS?" I guessed.
"Of course. I might add that BEANS have always integrated fully with native cultures. A branch of the BEANS intermarried with a fine Cuban family..the famed GARBANZO BEANS..and with a Mandarin line in China...the SOY BEANS. Then there are the BLACK BEANS in Swaziland..all of noble birth..and the Scots-Sioux line descending directly from Crazy Horse...the RED BEANS."
"You're trying to tell me that every last BEAN was a paragon of virtue and nobility?" I asked.
"Well," he said sheepishly, "there was MACHINE GUN BEAN, A GANGSTER. He got the electric chair. Odd thing, though. The power failed just as they threw the switch. They had to make repairs before electrocuting him. We have a little joke in the family about him: The REFRIED BEAN."
"This is going too far."
"No, I could tell you stories," he said. "The Swazaland BEANS still stalk lions with spears..the BEANSTALK, WE CALL IT. Then there is my idiot brother, the BEAN DIP, and his ugly wife, the BEAN BAG, and his maddening children, the BEAN SPROUTS, and the annual family dance, the BEAN BALL..."
"Stop, stop," I cried, "I'll never mention the McNEILLS again."
"Oh," he said, downing his whiskey and rising to depart, "I nearly forgot the French branch of the family."
"I never heard of any French BEANS," I said.
"Of course not," he said. "They changed their name to LEGUME."
(The end)
( My thanks to Barbara Kruse who sent this to me.)